Musings of a Restless Mind

It’s been two years since I last posted here, but the current epidemic—no, not the Covid19 one, the utter idiocy one—compelled me to dust it off.

What idiocy? Oh, I’m glad you asked! The idiocy of someone replying to a friend’s Facebook post (an idiocy that is epidemic among certain folks). Said idiocy resulted in a reply that I had (yes had) to make. Now, my reply took some effort and thought to write. So, taking my cue from someone else earlier today, I decided it shouldn’t languish in someone’s comments. Now, I swear, I really have been trying not to engage friends of friends on Facebook—people that I don’t even know, particularly Trump supporting ones—because, well, arguing with them is like playing chess with a pigeon: no matter how good you are, the bird is always going to shit on the board, and strut around like it won anyway.

However, said friend messaged me, and asked me to please reply to this woman, who I’ll call Patsy (no, that’s not her real name).

Now, for my reply to make sense, I have to give you some background on what led to it. It began yesterday when my friend shared one of my posts comparing the U.S. government’s Covid19 response to South Korea’s. There was polite, intelligent discussion and debate about what the statistics really mean, if the comparisons were fair, etc., and it was respectful, even where people may have disagreed.

In reply to a Nice Gentleman on the thread, Patsy jumped in saying that when Trump closed off travel with China as an early response to the epidemic, he was called a racist, and that he was damned if he did, and damned if he didn’t. I replied to Patsy that Trump is usually called a racist because he is, in fact, a racist, and that calling Covid19 the “Chinese Virus” is, actually, racist. I also said that while I hadn’t heard anyone say the China travel ban was racist, someone very well may have done so. At that, Patsy then dared me to name one racist thing Trump has said or done, adding “I’m waiting.”

Well, poor Patsy had to wait a long time because I was off Facebook for most of the day. Although she had also added another reply to the effect that I was wrong? And that both Biden and CNN said “it?” 

I’m still not sure if she meant that Biden and CNN had called Trump a racist for shutting down travel with China, or that they too had used the term “Chinese Virus,” but I digress, and frankly who the fuck really cares? Now, during my hours long absence from Facebook yesterday, Nice Gentleman tried to engage Patsy calmly, and with facts, but she went all in on defense of Trump, saying we don’t know all the facts, to stop armchair quarterbacking, and—I swear this is a quote—“I’ve heard from the experts say [sic] he’s doing a great job. That includes Democrats.” Patsy then added that as far as Trump being a racist, she’s “never seen any facts that indicate that.” 

Please to be picking your jaws up off the floor right now, it gets better.

Also, methinks Patsy needs to stop listening to Trump speak, because I’m pretty sure pirates have parrots that don’t mimic them quite as well.

Patsy then posted a meme which said: “getting perspective,” that the current survival rate in the U.S. was 98.54%, and that we should be promoting that, and not fear. I guess because we’re supposed to find the fucking silver lining in only a couple hundred thousand people dying, if we’re lucky, or some such shit. My friend, still trying to get Patsy to pivot, replied with a tale of a coworker’s cousin that had passed that day from Covid19, and how this epidemic was going to get much worse before it gets better. Patsy replied that she wasn’t trying to minimize the epidemic, but that it’s not productive to point fingers, because Trump is being advised by experts, and how now is a time we should all come together, Republicans and Democrats. Yes, she really, really said it. 

Of course, after that lovely kumbaya moment, Patsy pounced on Nice Gentleman for providing facts and links about Trump’s racism (in particular about his comments on immigration and “shit hole countries”), by attacking Nice Gentleman as a “pot stirrer,” noting that many Mexican immigrants are murderers and rapists, “why should we allow more people like that i [sic] our country,” and accusing Nice Gentleman of having an agenda.

Now, if you know me at all, you see why I agreed to my friend’s request to set Patsy straight. If you don’t know me, and you don’t see why I agreed to my friend’s request, you may be a Patsy.

I told my friend I had typed up a “very, very angry reply,” and wanted her okay before I hit send. She let me know that as long as I didn’t call Patsy any names, it was fine. So, I did a bit of editing (honestly, I really hadn’t called her any bad names), then read it out loud to the husband to make sure I complied with my friend’s request, and he agreed, that no, I hadn’t actually called her any names. So, I hit send.

And Patsy’s amazing defense of her stance? Of Trump? Of his administration’s handling of this epidemic? She blocked me, and I didn’t even get a courtesy, “fuck you!”

“And so, without further gilding the lily and no more ado, I give to you,” my reply to Patsy: (see footnote below)

**************************

a) I said I hadn’t heard that the closing down of travel from China was called racist, I never said that no one said it—in fact, I said maybe someone had said it, and b) Trump has been a racist since forever.

If you choose to ignore every single racist thing he’s said and done, there’s likely nothing I can say or show you that will change your mind. However, I cannot abide a refusal to be intellectually honest about the people we vote for, so here’s just a few things that illustrate his history of racism: he was busted decades ago for refusing to rent to black people, he incessantly attacks immigrants—specifically immigrants of color (shithole countries, Mexico, hysteria over refugees, children in cages, family separation, etc.)—Obama birtherism, the Central Park Five (even after DNA exonerated them), comments about blacks and Jews, “good people on both sides,” lies about seeing tons of Muslims celebrating on rooftops after 9/11, and on and on and on.

But I’m sure you have excuses for all these things. Or you’re convinced they’re not actually racist. Or you don’t believe that he actually did or said those things, despite legal, audio, and video evidence.

As for “politicizing” this crisis, too bad. The man dropped the god damned ball, period, and if anyone is commending what Trump is doing, it’s because they’ve learned that when people don’t kiss the ring, he withholds help. He needs his ass thoroughly kissed on a daily basis, and those people aren’t willing to risk American lives by antagonizing his ego. So when he finally, finally, does the right thing? OF COURSE they’ll say so, but listen carefully because those “experts” and “democrats” allegedly saying he’s doing a great job? They’re all saying it with a fervent “finally!” JFC, have you seen Fauci’s face during Trump’s daily ego stroking rallies?

There was a pandemic team in place, Trump “streamlined” it (except he says “it wasn’t [him],” because he never accepts responsibility, but it was his people that did it). There was a pandemic plan—his transition team was walked through the plan during the transfer from Obama to Trump—but not only has he fired most of the people who were there back then, he flat out ignored the damn plan. So spare us your apologia for this man. The first Covid19 case here was confirmed on January 21st, and U.S. intelligence agencies were warning him there was more to it before that date, but until just a week or two ago, he was still pretending it was no big deal—comparing it to the flu (even in the second week of March), claiming it was “under control,” “only 15, soon to be zero,” “like a miracle, it’ll disappear,” not restricting travel from Europe until March 11th (and then still with exemptions), claiming it wasn’t clear that it was so contagious (but Covid19’s transmissibility has been known since January), wanting to lift stay at home orders by Easter (until he was finally forced to see that millions could die), and generally failing in the extreme on every level of this response.

Even now, instead of marshalling federal resources, organization, and power, his administration has created a bidding war for resources between the states, forcing them to bid against each other for PPE and ventilators, only then FEMA comes in and outbids them, but still isn’t sending them to all the states according to immediate need (funny though, Florida—land of RonKissesTrumpAssDeSantis—has already received 200% of its requests, while NY will run out of ventilators in 6 days). Trump failed to invoke the Defense Production Act in a timely manner, and even now has only used it to demand GM do something something, but the DPA is a powerful act that should be invoked in a more useful form than angry tweets. The power of the DPA is in authorizing the feds, not only to require industry to make specific items, but to organize and marshall private industry—for the administration to connect suppliers, manufacturers, and distributors to ensure that the supplies needed are being made and sent where necessary, and to use the might and force of the U.S. government to do so. THAT is what a real leader does. Not to hold ego stroking rallies wherein he brags about being “number one on Facebook.”

The single best thing Trump has done to date is to finally, finally, listen to the experts on this matter. This belief in the b.s. of “who could have known?” or “there was no way we could know” is a form of intentional obtuseness, and gaslighting, that is unconscionable in allegedly educated, voting Americans. There was a pandemic plan and team in place, because experts have been alerting the U.S. government about the inevitability of a pandemic for years, but the team was “streamlined,” and the plans were ignored. The CDC issued an alert in January, because THEY KNEW, his administration was briefed, HE WAS BRIEFED, but Trump couldn’t be arsed to give a shit. EVERYONE with half a brain a knew this was happening. Hell, HEB, a regional supermarket chain in Texas, instituted its pandemic plan in the second week of January, because they could see the writing on the wall, and they don’t have the benefit of U.S. intelligence agencies, or infectious disease specialists.

The purpose of my original post, which [Friend] shared, was to illustrate the difference in how South Korea and the U.S. handled containment and treatment of this disease, and by every single metric in existence, this administration failed us. Utterly failed us. South Korea acted, Trump played golf (on January 18th, 19th, February 1st, 2nd, 15th, March 7th and 8th, to be exact).

My brother-in-law is an ER doctor back east, and several of my friends are doctors and nurses in hospitals here in California, Louisiana, New Jersey, and elsewhere, and their lives are now being put at risk every single time they walk into the hospital, because they have to ration their PPE. This means my sister-in-law and nephew are at risk as well. So take the Trump apologism elsewhere. You can love him all you want for whatever the hell you think is worthy about him—I’ve long since given up on convincing his supporters of what a horror show of an idiotic, racist, sexist, homophobic, narcissist he is—but in this matter? His stupidity, arrogance, selfishness, and narcissism means that IF WE’RE LUCKY, IF PEOPLE BEHAVE PERFECTLY, “only” 100-240K Americans will die.

Do you even comprehend that? 100,000 to 240,000 Americans WILL DIE, and he (and apparently you) think that’s “a good job?” Are you serious?

And then you have the temerity to say Democrats and Republicans should come together? Come together? Really? Now? Now that y’all are also scared? Why is it that none of this come together talk happens until Republicans are in danger as well? Why was Puerto Rico given the shaft, while we’re supposed to “come together” every time Florida or Mississippi gets hit with a hurricane? Why is it that we’re supposed to “come together” for the shitheads in Florida who were partying on the beach—with the blessings of their Republican President and Governor, mind you—while my brother-in-law and friends are risking their health and lives to save people, regardless of party? Why? Please tell me why WE are always told to put aside politics, but you lot never do until you need us, and then it’s oh so much KUMBAYA?

Spare me.

We’ll do what’s right by everyone in this country, because that’s what we always do, whether we’re in the cross-hairs or not, but don’t pretend to suddenly give a damn about me and mine, not when you’ve been supporting a man who has spent the last few years passing laws and supporting policies to make sure that me, my friends, my family—my children—will suffer.

¹Extra cookies if you get the quote without looking it up. Also, all caps in my FB post are because FB doesn’t allow you to italicize for emphasis. I wasn’t actually shouting at her. Not really.

Today, I am angry.

Viscerally, unflinchingly, vengefully angry.

Today, I refute the claims that my righteous anger is the problem.

Today, I know that they want to blame us for their own callousness and hypocrisy and cowardice.

Today, I have nothing but anger and fury and contempt left for anyone on the other side.

Today, they no longer mean a thing to me, as they have declared themselves enemies to me and mine, and the ideals I love and uphold.

Today, the middle exhaled its last breath, and those who’ve attempted to straddle it, can no longer ride the fence.

Today, I am angry, because I see no path to any middle, no way forward but in fury and hate and blame.

Today, I am angry and disgusted and grieving.

Tomorrow, I will fight.

Viciously, unflinchingly, and vengefully.

For a few years now, blog posts keep popping up in my Facebook feed that claim “French Kids Don’t Have ADHD!” These posts allege that ADHD is a disorder primarily designed by pharmaceutical companies to sell drugs, that the original “founding father” of ADHD claimed that it is a “fictitious disease,” and my personal favorite, that it’s all about how the French rear their children. Yes, according to these “blogs,” apparently all of us American parents with ADHD kids are simply doing it wrong. In essence, we’re bad parents.

You know what? Fuck that.

Yeah, I might be angry. I’m more than a little tired of people posting these blogs without researching the claims. Google is a thing people. Use it. The claims are bullshit.

As a person, as a family, that knows full well the difficulties and debilitation that ADHD can cause, seeing these posts is infuriating and painful. Just because some blogger, even one with Ph.D. at the end of their name, posts something like this, does not make it true. Of course, it doesn’t help that once it’s published (this began in 2012 with a post by Marilyn Wedge on PsychologyToday.com), all kinds of bloggers, including people who are selling “holistic” and “natural” remedies and diets (like David Wolfe), are repeating and recycling these 2012 claims, and touting them as gospel, despite a lack of credible support.

In another piece three years later, by Katherine Ellison, in the same online publication, Ellison noted emphatically that Wedge’s piece was wrong. However, people just keep recycling Wedge’s incorrect data. According to Ellison, a 2011 study found that rates of ADHD among French children are between 3.5 and 5.6 percent, which falls right in the global range of 5.3 to 7.2. Furthermore, in 2015, France’s High Health Authority officially disagreed with the studies Wedge based her position on (which claimed a rate of only .5%). Furthermore, European councils and various psychiatrists are noting that the problem is not that French kids don’t have ADHD, but that it’s not well understood, well treated, or well diagnosed, and that there is insufficient training and inequalities in access to help. Unfortunately, there isn’t a ton of current information out there, because most Americans don’t actually care about French rates of ADHD, they just want to blog over and over and over about debunked statistics from 7 years ago, because it supports the current hysteria over “big pharma.”

None of this is to say that ADHD isn’t over diagnosed. It also isn’t to say that ADHD can’t be over medicated, or that there aren’t valid concerns about the influence and intentions of the pharmaceutical industry. While for many kids medication is a first line treatment, medications don’t always work for all kids. In some cases, other modalities work just as effectively, or even better. However, that is something that should be decided by parents and doctors, and not influenced by the current backlash against “big pharma.”

Additionally, for all the hysteria about over-diagnosis, there are studies that show thousands of kids are under-diagnosed, particularly in Black and Latinx communities and, that even once diagnosed, they are much less likely to receive medication or other treatments.

Is there an issue with overprescription of medications as a whole in this country? Yes. I think we’re all rather done with the ability of pharmaceutical companies to directly market to the general public, and the inevitable way it compromises the medical profession.

Are there problems in the pharmaceutical industry with overpromising, overselling, mistakes or lies in testing, etc., etc.? Yes, there are. It’s the stuff of lawsuits and legislation.

The FDA has requirements for approving drugs, and while we might like them to be more stringent, they exist. The current hysteria over big pharma (which is often hand in hand with the anti-vaccination movement) is effectively using a very broad brush to invalidate decades of psychiatric and medical research.

Nationally, we keep having conversations about the need for more openness regarding mental health, more access to mental health care, and the lessening of stigma around mental health issues. At the same time, however, the incessant stream of blogs attacking psychiatric medications, are vilifying the very doctors and researchers who have developed indices for diagnosing and treating ADHD and other disorders, because *gasp* “big pharma.” The hypocrisy is astounding. 

Given what we saw in the 2016 election cycle about the amount of misinformation out in the world, and the ease with which it is disseminated, I beg you all to stop accepting as truth blog posts that make these claims. Just because it’s on a fancy blog, or because someone has some letters after their name, doesn’t make it true. In fact, if you start to trace these posts, you’ll find that they are all recycling the same bullshit.

Do your own research. Remember the adage: if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If a post promises you that the only thing you have to do to solve ADHD (or OCD, or depression, or anxiety) is change your diet, or move to the mountains, buy their vitamins, or eat goat dung while standing on your head, without discussing the complexities, spectrums, and variety of these disorders, as well as the variety of treatments, it’s too good to be true. If it refuses to acknowledge decades of research, refuses to acknowledge when medication is useful and life saving, as well as when it isn’t a good choice, when it dismisses all of that out of hand, you should probably question their motivations. If you hit Google and can’t find information that is more recent than six or seven years ago, or that isn’t being printed in any major medical journals like JAMA, Pediatrics, NEJM, The Lancet, maybe you should, at the very least, question it.

Our family’s experiences with ADHD are not going to be the same as another family’s experiences, nor would the results of treatments (pharmaceutical or otherwise) necessarily be the same. There isn’t a one size fits all approach to ADHD, and I respect that there are families out there that, for whatever reason, would rather not use medication. However, the flip side needs to be true as well: respect those families that do choose to use medication. Do not assume that because some kids are over-diagnosed, every parent is merely drugging their kids into some kind of submission (pro-tip, it really doesn’t work that way). Do not assume that those parents haven’t investigated multiple modalities of treatment for their kids, or haven’t had them thoroughly tested.

Most of all, however, don’t post articles that effectively claim we’re just shitty parents doing it wrong, lazily drugging our children, especially if you haven’t investigated the claims in the post. It’s inaccurate, it’s unhelpful, and, frankly, it’s just plain mean. Read more

The last few weeks I’ve been ruminating about my feelings regarding the election, the toddler elect, and his voters. I’ve been trying to figure out how, or even what, I wanted to post about those feelings. I’ve got bits and pieces, and half-written thoughts, all of which are waiting for me decide: do I really want to say that? Which is why it’s been so long since I posted anything.

Instead, last night I was driven to write about our outgoing president—a man whose dignity and grace, particularly in the face of blatant racism and partisanship, are going to be sorely missed. I still cannot wrap my brain around the fact that President Obama is being followed by a man whose narcissism, venality, immaturity, contempt for others, and willful obtuseness, are a blemish on the storied history of our nation.

I need to preface this by saying that this post began, because last night my youngest asked me who I liked better: Bill Clinton or Barack Obama? At first I replied: I don’t know! Both? It’s hard to pick, you’re asking me to compare apples and oranges, but after a few moments I said: President Obama.

Why?

President Obama is not perfect in my book. In fact, it’s why I had trouble deciding between the two, at first. I’m a die hard Democrat, a pretty-left-of-center progressive on most issues, and those of you who know me, know how much I’ve come to loathe the current iteration of the GOP. During the last eight years, however, I didn’t agree with President Obama on everything. I didn’t agree with all of our foreign policy (for example, at times, Israel), or the continued use of drones, his soft stance on environmental matters, and a too conciliatory mien with the most obstructive, partisan, and blatantly hateful opposition led Congress. Frankly, I felt that pulled the country, and the Democratic party, to the right of center. I’m sure reasonable minds can agree or disagree on the nuances of these issues, but that’s not the point of this post.

Instead, I want to talk about why I cried last night as I watched President Obama give his farewell speech. I want to talk about why I’m proud that my kids have had Barack Obama, and his family, as role models. In fact, my younger two have never known (or remember) any other president. So, I need to talk about what Barack Obama represents to me, and in contrast, what I feel we have given up—what we have inflicted upon ourselves with the incoming administration—and, sadly, what we will lose.

Watching the confirmation hearings yesterday, I was surprised to hear that Barack Obama’s first U.S. Attorney General appointee, Eric Holder, the first African American to be appointed to that post, was the brother-in-law of Vivian Malone Jones. For those of you scratching your heads, Jones and her fellow activist, James Hood, fought to desegregate the University of Alabama, and in 1963 Jones was made famous when Governor Wallace tried to physically block her and Hood from entering the university.

1963. This made Jones my parents’ contemporary (more or less). It’s an important perspective, because too often I think those of us who were born after the Civil Rights Act came to be, take it for granted too much. It’s important, because people like to treat it like it’s old history, but it’s not. It’s recent history. The people who lived and fought for those rights are still alive, as Congressman John Lewis so eloquently reminded us today, when the hearings continued.

Just forty-six years later, Barak Obama became the first African American president, and appointed Holder to the position of Attorney General of the United States. If there is an afterlife, I hope Jones was looking down with pride.

Despite a recalcitrant opposition party, thanks to President Obama, my children have grown up in a country and time that, yes still has many issues with race and violence and bigotry (we are not a post-racial society, no matter how much conservative pundits claim we are, or my fellow white citizens pretend we are), but has also shown them that a black man can be president, and a woman of color  (Loretta Lynch) can be the Attorney General. Thanks to President Obama, my kids have grown up in a decade where their LGBTQ brothers and sisters have finally been accorded the same basic human rights that all Americans regard as their due. They’ve grown up in a country that overwhelmingly said it believes everyone deserves the dignity of healthcare, and one that is at least asking (if not responding accordingly): why people of color are disproportionately the victims of various forms of oppression? They live in a place where we ask why aren’t people of color proportionately represented in film and television, even though one of their favorite movies (Rogue One) is led by a tremendously diverse cast. They’re growing up in a nation where a woman finally ran for the office of the president as a candidate for a major party. They’ve grown up in a time and place where they don’t have to be pigeonholed by their gender, anymore than their female friends are.

That is not the America I grew up in.

I came of age in a decade where successful people of color were (wrongly) regarded as an anomaly, and the president promulgated the fallacy of the “Welfare Queen.” My friends and I discovered our sexuality in a decade where the government sat silent, while a generation of men died of AIDS, because “gays” deserved it, and which resulted in a generation of young people terrified to come out of the closet, despite the strides made post-Stonewall. I grew up in a time where the acronym LGTBQ didn’t really exist because no one wanted to understand more than “us” and “them,” never mind that gender was (and would be for decades) entrenched in an unyielding binary as well.

My boys understand that neither they, nor their friends, are defined by their gender or their sexualities, and not just because my husband and I taught them these things. Their president reaffirmed for them that no matter what they, or their friends, identify as—gay, straight, bi, queer, male, female, non-binary, trans, or anything in between—they can be soldiers, they can be government employees, they deserve respect, they can love openly, they can marry and have children.

When I was young, I idolized Wonder Woman, Charlie’s Angels, and Princess Leia, but my only living non-fiction role model for a woman of power and authority, was Margaret Thatcher—a foreigner whose politics were diametrically opposed to mine. My middle child was two and half when President Obama took office. When I was two and a half, women could not even obtain a credit card in their own name, but my kids watched Barack Obama stand next to Hillary Clinton and support her for president.

During my young adulthood, Bill Clinton made inroads against some of these issues, but he was also a product of his time and generation. He appointed people who were openly gay and lesbian to various positions in his administration and the judiciary, but was a consummate politician, authorizing DADT (for example) as a sort of sick middle ground between homophobia and standing up for what was right. He supported equal rights and pay for women, but had a history of scandals involving other women, and accusations of improper sexual advances and assault.

My kids watched President Obama exhibit the most incredible grace under pressure. He was an example to them of how to respond to hate and disrespect, with nobility and dignity, and yes, a smattering of snark (whereas their mother too often responds with snark and anger, and only a smattering of nobility). He and Michelle inhabited the White House without a hint of scandal, or personal discord. No matter the hateful, racist memes and comments leveled at them, they continued to go high, while their enemies went low. No matter the power of his office, President Obama did not abuse women. No matter the platforms available to him, he did not stoop to make fun of his opponents, or the disabled. President Obama did not make racist comments, sexist comments, or encourage xenophobia.

The Obamas set an example of what we should be. 

For the next four years, instead of this epitome of grace (and I don’t care what side of the aisle you are on, if you don’t agree that the Obamas have been paragons of class, you are broken), the president of this country, the person who is regarded as the role model for legions of American children, will be a thin-skinned narcissist, who responds to every imagined and real slight with grotesque disrespect and rancor, to the point that his tweets are predicted before he makes them. An man who treats women like objects, people of color as lesser than, and appears to care about the LGBTQ community as he does most others: to the extent they can benefit him.

For the next four years, this country will be told—in word and deed—that women are incapable of making their own healthcare decisions, that they are undeserving of equal pay or equal treatment in the workforce, that people of color deserve violence and disrespect, and that they shouldn’t be allowed to exercise their right to vote. My kids are going to be shown that intolerance, bigotry, and violence are okay—in fact, that is already happening with the rise of hate crimes and the toddler elect’s failure to address it.

This isn’t a matter of progressive v. conservative policies. Okay, it’s partly that, but mostly, it’s a matter of persona, behavior, and example. It’s a matter of the Obamas exhibiting the type of behavior that we all encourage in our children, of setting an example for civility; if my kids did any of the things the toddler elect does, they wouldn’t sit for days.

I don’t want my kids to grow up in a retread of the 80’s. We’ve been there, done that, and more importantly, we can be and do better than that. (Plus, let’s be honest, the fashion sucked.) The reality is that I have three privileged, white boys. They’re not the target for the regressive policies envisioned by the new administration and congress, but that doesn’t make those policies any better. It means that as parents, we’ll have to work harder than ever to teach them right from wrong, kindness from cruelty, dignity from lowliness, and generosity from selfishness, and none of what we teach will be reinforced by our government, or it’s incoming head—the putative role models for the nation’s children.

We all strive to leave a better world, a better future for our children. I can only hope the we don’t sink too far, and that the next four years do not undo decades of forward progress. So, that’s why, when my littlest asked me who I liked best, I said President Obama. That’s why, as I watched President Obama encourage us to continue fighting for minority rights, to continue fighting for our democracy, I cried, because even after everything hateful that has been slung at him, President Obama stood before the nation and reminded us that we can be better.

For the sake of all of our children, we’d better be.

It’s been eighteen days, including a holiday, since the election, and while I’m not still crying, I am still grieving. I’m still angry, and I’m still overwhelmed by disgust for so many of my fellow citizens.

Why? Why aren’t you over it yet? Why are you so dramatic? Etc., etc.

This is something I’m seeing asked by many people, either because they supported Trump and think the rest of us need to “just get over it” or “suck it up,” while also believing that their party didn’t protest Obama’s election both times. Or, this is asked by people who believe that they only voted for “a change,” and not also for all the ugly things Trump said (“Really, I’m not a racist!”) Or, I’m asked this by people who voted for HRC just because they thought Trump was kinda sorta awful, but whatever, we’ll survive four years, and who keep telling me (and those like me) that I’m overreacting, “we survived Reagan, we survived Bush, we’ll survive this too.”

So, why can’t I just relax? Why am I still grieving and angry and disgusted? There’s a lot to unpack here, but I’ll try.

First (and simplest), is because it’s not just four years. Saying it’s only four years requires an assumption that the incumbent won’t win the next election (which in the entire history of our nation may be true, but not so much in the last 36 years, where four out of the last five presidents were reelected to a second term). Also, because the incoming administration will be replacing at least one, but most likely two (and possibly more) justices of the Supreme Court. For those who either failed or forgot their high school government/civics lessons, those justices are appointed for life. Therefore, their decisions affect us for much longer than a single (or even double) term of a president, and Trump has already promised to put conservative judges bent on reversing Roe v. Wade on the bench. Do not take that ruling for granted. Not only socially antiquated rulings like Plessy or Bowers have been overturned by a later SCOTUS decision, but so have common sense ones like Austin and McConnell (both by Citizens United).

Second (and the more complicated answer), is that what really bothers me about people who are shrugging their shoulders about Trump, and those who are trying to reassure themselves (and us) with “look, he’s already walking back his campaign promises,” or those that claimed to have only voted for “change” (“really, we’re not racists”) is that Trump’s election signifies the death of America.

Now, I can already hear those keyboards clacking in indignation or patronizing ‘splaining of some sort. Stop. Just stop. Don’t get your undies in a bunch and tell me I’m being dramatic and overreacting, don’t patronize me. Hear me out.

I believe that the columnist Charles Blow said it best recently when he opined about Trump,

“You don’t get a pat on the back for ratcheting down from rabid after exploiting that very radicalism to your advantage. Unrepentant opportunism belies a staggering lack of character and caring that can’t simply be vanquished from memory. You did real harm to this country and many of its citizens, and I will never — never — forget that.” Blow, Charles “No, Trump, We Can’t Just Get Along.” The New York Times 23 Nov. 2016

Donald Trump won this election by pandering to the absolute worst elements of our society: racism, jingoism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, misogyny, and homophobia. That people can reasonably debate whether he himself is anti-Semitic, for example, is irrelevant. Trump fomented those feelings among our citizens, and emboldened the most recent iteration of white nationalism and white supremacy to slither out from the bottom dwelling ooze where it belongs. He does not get a thumbs up now for walking back a couple of the more ridiculous promises from his campaign.

Trump’s continued outrage tweets and attacks on the media belie any sort of moderation of character or belief in democracy, and continues to indicate an authoritarian bent that revels in a cult of personality—like Hitler, Hussein, Duvalier, Mussolini, and North Korea’s Kim family.

When I say that I think Trump’s election signifies the death of America, I mean that I believe he signifies the death of American society, of the open democracy where differences are celebrated, and our diversity cherished as a means to exceptionalism. Trump’s election signifies the death of the fantasy of what we’ve been taught America is, and what she presents herself as to the world.

I think the republic itself will likely survive this, and that the checks and balances so wisely instituted by the founders will suffice to prevent the worst abuses. I hope our leaders in Congress love this country enough to stand up to such abuses, and do not cede ground in the name of “party unity,” or in the hope of maintaining their positions. However, what Trump has brought forth in the soul of our nation is a different matter entirely.

I cannot say that Trump himself sowed the seeds of racism, jingoism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, misogyny, and homophobia. This nation, both in policy and in its citizen’s attitudes, has a long and storied history with these issues—slavery and Jim Crow, the Indian Wars and Iraq War, the Chinese Exclusion Act and Japanese Internment, Holocaust denialism and anti-Zionism, the anti-Federalists arguments for a religious test in the Constitution, rape culture and the wage gap, and the criminalization of homosexuality and how the AIDS crisis was handled, to name just some. Trump, however, took those seeds, watered them, and coaxed them into a foul, noxious garden.

This foul garden is now front and center in the America we live in, regardless of whether Trump softens his stance on climate change, or decides not prosecute Hillary. Furthermore, despite alleged back tracking on some of these issues, he is appointing persons who further these agendas, and fan bigotry, to positions of power within his administration. Given the amount of damage Trump has already done to the American psyche, I dread to see what they can do over the course of four years.

I am a grandchild of Holocaust survivors, and my parents are immigrants. I married a man who is a Mayflower descendent, and thus our children have an amazing mixed heritage. I always considered my family (immediate and extended) to be a shining example of the American melting pot, and of the possibilities inherent in the American Dream. My family and friends—my people—are white, black, latino, Jewish, Christian, and Muslim. They are gay, straight, male, female, and all the permutations in between.

I can’t say I’ve never personally experienced anti-Semitism, because I have. I can’t say I’ve never seen my loved ones experience racism, bigotry, or homophobia, because I have. What I can say is that for the first time that I can recall, I am afraid. I’m afraid because in the past, when I experienced or bore witness to those awful moments, despite my innate cynicism and tendency toward misanthropy, I still believed in the inherent goodness of the American character; this election shattered that.

So, when you ask me why I’m still grieving, or why I’m still sadangrydisgustedworried, that’s why. When I tell you Trump’s election signals the death of America to me, that’s why. It’s why every day I feel like saying, fuck it, you people wanted it? I hope you choke on it, ‘cause I’m done. I have three reasons that keep me from doing that, three boys that need me to keep trying to make this world a place worth living in, even if it means fighting through the death of a beloved dream to whatever lies on the other side.

The last couple of days, my social media feed has been filled with people devastated over the election. They’re hurt. They feel betrayed, and they’re scared that they will have rights stripped away, families torn apart, and violence against them normalized.

That’s not what this is about.

This post is about the people upset that many of us are critical of Trump voters. We’re asked: please don’t hate me! We’re admonished not to judge, to be accepting, to move on, to respect other people’s beliefs, and to remain open minded. They say they just want us all to get along. Ironically, many of the commenters in those social media threads, commenters that profess to support the don’t-hate-don’t-judge-can’t-we-all-just-get-along sentiment, proceed to denigrate Trump dissenters as childish, brats, deranged, too angry, too hysterical, and (my personal favorite) unable to properly read the meaning of the post. So much for respect and not being judgmental.

Donald Trump ran a campaign fueled by, racism, malignant misogyny, anti-Muslim and anti-immigrant hatred, and the hatred and degradation of “others.” He pandered to the sentiments of white nationalists, anti-Semites, and homophobes. That he also tapped into middle America’s frustration is clearly part of the equation, but let’s be honest: Trump’s campaign, from the start of the primaries, was driven by shock value, ugliness, name-calling, and denigration. It’s how he won the Republican nomination. 

I know not all of Trump’s voters are racists, misogynists, anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, white nationalist, anti-Semites, or homophobes, but if you voted for him, you hitched your wagon to all of that, you said yes to all of that, tacitly approved all of that, even if you only voted for him because you hate Obamacare, or are anti-choice, or believe in the fairytale of trickle down economics.

So understand, when people criticize, or get angry about someone’s decision to vote for Trump, it’s not merely hatred or intolerance of a different perspective; it’s pain, despair, and fear. It’s visceral, it’s real, it’s awful, and it deserves to be heard.

They aren’t saying you are not entitled to your beliefs. This is America and, at least for now, people are entitled to those beliefs, but people are not entitled to be free of criticism for them, particularly when those beliefs hurt others, even unintentionally.

Saying that you don’t want people to “hate” you, that you want to have your choice respected, and you just want people to come together in unity, when your vote hitched your wagon to a platform of hate, disrespect, and divisiveness, is spectacularly, blindingly hypocritical.

It’s also interesting to note, that not one of these touchy feely, don’t-hate-me-respect-my-opinon posts, not one, has come from my black, latino, immigrant, or gay friends. Maybe you need to ponder why that is.

At some point these divides will need to be bridged, but it’s not going to be today, and it will not happen overnight. Perhaps, instead of telling the people who are hurt, disappointed, and legitimately afraid that they should just suck it up, you can try to reassure them that despite your vote for a man who has promised to destroy their families and their lives, you really do have their backs. I’m not sure they’ll believe you, at least not yet, but it would be a start. Maybe if they see you actively working against the hatred Trump has manipulated and normalized, they’ll start to be reassured.

I’ve always been told actions speak louder than words. If you voted for Trump, that spoke very loudly, and a bit of Kumbaya and a claim to love all people, doesn’t cancel that out. It’s going to take more action than that.

So, in answer to your various posts, memes, and laments: no, I don’t hate you, but I’ve probably lost some respect for you.